Today v.1

Today, I wondered if there is a purpose to feeling things so intensely. I wondered if other people feel this much.

Today, I biked 8 miles and rode for a while without using my hands, a skill that I recently discovered. I passed a man who grinned and gave me a thumbs up. I passed another man who told me I was biking on the wrong side. I smiled at him anyway. 

Today, I walked to a coffee shop and spoke with a woman who told me that there will always be a need for therapists and AI won’t take my job. She told me many other things and I listened to all of them. 

Today, I read a book on the science of addiction and thought about how we are all addicted to something and what that says about the desire of our bodies and minds to feel pleasure. And what that says about the desire of our bodies and minds to avoid feeling sad or angry. I recommend crying because if you hold it in or try to push it down, it’s still there. It’s not going anywhere. 

Last week, I cried at the coffee shop cash register while I ordered an oat milk latte and the barista gave it to me on the house. I tried to tip her and she said no. I am reminded of small acts of kindness that go a long way. 

Today, I saw that same barista and I smiled at her and we both knew that it looked like I was doing better but only I knew if it was real. I will cry again. And I will smile. And I will get mad. And I will laugh. And we should do all of these things with gratitude and wonder. 

Today, I considered whether all of the feelings would keep growing and I would pop. The emotions are rolling around inside of me, constricting and expanding but mostly expanding. This must be how Violet Beauregarde felt. I didn’t feel anything for a long time and now I feel everything, which is often beautiful and often excruciating but nonetheless, a gift. 

Today, I thought about how it’s a miracle that I’m still alive even though I’m not sure I believe in miracles. I made spaghetti and I didn’t think twice about eating a big plate of it. Spaghetti used to scare me. Or rather, the feelings that came with eating spaghetti scared me. I’m not afraid of those feelings anymore but sometimes, I still feel afraid. 

Today, I hoped that someone at the coffee shop would talk to me but I didn’t know I was hoping for that. I hadn’t talked to another person in two days and that’s hard for me. And that’s ok. That’s hard for me because I want to know how your day is and how you’re feeling. And that’s ok. That’s hard for me because I need social interaction, especially when I’m stuck in my head. And that’s ok. I hope that if you ever need to talk, you know that I will listen. 

Today, I felt things intensely. Tomorrow, I will feel things intensely too. And that’s ok.