Safety

I recently heard that self-love is psycho babble for safety. This is really interesting to think about because our culture is so obsessed with the notion of self-love and the idea that people (particularly women) need to love themselves before they can love someone else. Is that true or is “self-love” yet another construct that convinces us to follow certain social media accounts, listen to podcasts, buy books and attend workshops? 

Self-love is a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. That brings up the very nuanced question of what well-being and happiness look like for individuals. We are all different and therefore, our needs and desires are unique. Our basic psychological needs are the same: warmth, food, shelter, sleep. The next tier of needs involves security, employment and health which are also known as safety needs. Although the details of these needs are specific to the person, we all require them to be fully functional and healthy members of society. 

We also crave safety, the condition and state of being protected. As humans, we need to feel protected; in relationships, both platonic and sexual, in our jobs, in our enjoyment of activities, in our physical space, in our bodies. Safety as our highest priority ensures that we move through the world in a healthy, effective, innocuous, manner. 

A close friend with good intentions told me that I needed to practice self-love and be alone for a while; that this is the universe giving me time and space to learn how to be self-sufficient. But I am already self-sufficient. My status as a single or partnered person does not dictate the degree to which I am capable of existing on my own. The desire to spend my life with someone does not mean I am a weak person who can’t support herself emotionally, physically, financially or otherwise. I don’t need a partner, but I want one, and that’s ok.

Furthermore, we are not built to be alone. That is not safe. The idea that being alone equates to strength or independence or individuality is black and white. You can be strong, independent and an individual, as you exist with other people. You do not have to be alone for those things to be true. We are designed to be with other humans, this is an innate feature of who we are. Our bodies, and therefore we, will suffer if we exist in isolation. Safety should be our prime concern and feeling safe is truly the highest form of love, for yourself and others.