Oat Milk Latte Brain

The other night, I drank a latte at 6 pm and was consequently awake until 2:30 am. It was awful but I had a breakthrough of sorts in those quiet morning hours.  

Someone was labeled me a negative person and it really ate at me. I tried to ignore it, but it stayed on my mind. No one in my life had ever said that and I wondered how someone who had known me for a short amount of time would notice something that no one else had. I believe that my anxiety, worry and fear often present as negativity or pessimism, especially in a relationship where the individual has not seen me interact with life over a long period of time. It’s easy to confuse the two, and anxious thoughts can be misconstrued as negative. The difference is that I am not finding the bad in the situation or assuming the worst will happen but questioning what may happen and worrying about potential outcomes. The two emotions tread a fine line.  I’m not saying that I never have negative thoughts or say negative things, but I think it’s mostly my anxious brain. 

Now, why am I an anxious person? This is an entirely different subject but something worth exploring. I know from lengthy experience working with therapists and psychiatrists that malnutrition causes anxiety, fear and depression. From the ages of 18-33, I struggled with anorexia nervosa. For 15 years, I was constantly yo-yoing between a dangerously low weight and a “normal” weight when I was in treatment. About 90% of the time, I was not in treatment and was underweight. For 43% of my life, I was malnourished and that changed my brain chemistry. My brain was starved, and this created general feelings of worry and fear. After operating that way for 15 years, those emotional tendencies and reactions are an integral part of me. I never considered my anxiety and tendency to worry as being traits that I could change, I felt that those characteristics were a part of who I was. 

Creating new neural pathways takes time, and that’s what I must do to change the way my brain operates. The work lies in awareness and repeated behavior modification to create new pathways and move away from what the brain is accustomed to. First, I must notice the anxious thought and be aware that it is present. Then, I must reframe the thought. I’ve decided to add a third step, which is to bring something positive to the situation. As with most efforts at self improvement, this takes time.

This information is particularly relevant for people with severe and enduring eating disorders (SEED-AN,) a sub-group of anorexia. Once an individual is consistently ill for 10 or more years, anorexia is more difficult to treat and the likelihood of a full recovery is much lower. Studies show that approximately 30% of individuals who suffer from anorexia will make a full recovery. Understanding the ways in which our brains work while we are active in our eating disorders and the lasting effects of a long-term eating disorder are vital for continued growth once an individual is healthy. While I have been in recovery for over three years and no longer feel any active connection to my eating disorder, I am still working through the mental, emotional and physical damage that my body sustained. It will take time and focus to change but I know that my brain has the capacity to be rewired and healthy pathways can be formed. Neural plasticity is so rad!